You and me
How could I know the way things would turn out with you.
It must have been how I wanted it to be
Deep down in creased up folds of inner places.
Crouch End..Love. Marriage. I did want a child.
I longed.. I craved
For every baby that went by ...
I was consumed
Breasts languid in forlorn expectancy
That temple of the womb was filled with empty silent echoes.
..that nest I wished to feather..
...with my own dear little fledgling in it.
My dream of real love.
A child.
...you did not want the child at all...
I could see ..the Push-chair
Being wheeled by me .
The day came..a child now grew in me..
You brought a claret from the cellar..
Not really celebration ..but more a block on this reality
You downed the lot
Before the coq au vin was even cooked
I sang the song of mother bird who builds her nest.
We walked amongst the ancient trees... along the Kenwood Lake
The distant sound of Menuhin playing the violin..
open spaces where Yehudi lived and played his fiddle
His lovely Jewish Violin...Notes gliding through air...so sweet and so divine
And so unlike the mood ‘tween you me..
What was it that we argued on ? I now have no recall.
But... I do remember iced in pain...you said
*I knew that we should never had had this baby*...
And this wounded me
More than a thousand words no matter how harsh or cruel
Or vicious they might have been
This wounded me as deeply as the dying soldier’s bullet.
And though we made it up those words did not depart...they lingered within me...
My confidence was gone.
Oct 2010